How To Play

You’ve got a night free. You’re alone. You can’t afford peanuts. No, really, peanuts are about two quid and that’s just not happening. Do you ever hear children moaning about boredom when finding themselves in similar situations? Do children get pissed off because they have no money for a pint of lager? No, they PLAY. Obviously watching films, reading books and getting down with your Xbox aren’t featured because that doesn’t require any kind of active playing. We’re talking hardcore adult recreation here. No, not that sort. Continue reading


Made For Walking: Why Walking Isn’t So Bad

The tube is too expensive. Buses are the same price except with more oddballs. A taxi is the last seizure-inducingly extortionate vestige of the very wealthy or the very intoxicated. Walking is the unsung alternative. Continue reading

iPhone. HTC. Blackberry. Er, Alcatel.

Yeah everyone might be talking about the iPhone5 but why is nobody tweeting about Alcatel? Oh, because they produce joke phones preventing them from being taken seriously as a viable company.

Alcatel saw a gap in the market for those unable to afford, or be trusted with, posh phones and dived headfirst like an excited child roaming a landscape where crevasses are commonplace. The Antarctic, for instance. Continue reading

How To Deal With Bad Landlords and Letting Agencies

Most landlords in London are intent only on the destruction of others. In the words of Beyonce: “If I were a landlord/ I think I could understand/ How it feels to love one’s tenants/ I swear I’d be a better landlord.”

This song is often misinterpreted as a lament about men being rubbish in relationships when it is, in fact, predominantly about housing agreements. Continue reading

Interning For Free and Why Everyone Should Just Chill Out For A Bit.

This is to be read accompanied by faint Mark Ronson backbeats alongside the odd trumpet. Oh, and filmed using a hand-held camera interspersed with black and white photo stills.

It’s philosophical as opposed to practical. Why? Because the art of living in London when you can’t afford to pay rent is as much psychological as it is physical. [music kicks in] Continue reading

How To Waitress

London has a lot of cafes. In fact, when one Googles “How Many Cafes Are There In London?” nobody has ever counted them, so there’s probably more than 100.

Yes, it’s a prevalent part time profession (alliteration) but there are some preventable pitfalls (more alliteration, at the expense of the sentence) for prospective professionals looking to potentially permeate this sector, if not perennially. Properly, parochially, and, you know, Paul Daniels.  Anyway, wordsmithery aside, here are some tips: Continue reading


Due to my MA coming to a head, and being told to stop pissing about and cultivate a “more niche, serious blog” for an online module, Cosmoretto is taking some downtime right now.

I have to concentrate on a more serious and journalistic venture until the end of next month. It might still interest you though, so have a look. Comment, subscribe and check back (i get marked on all of these things…)

Thanks for reading Cosmoretto. BACK SOON.


Stevie x