How To Play

You’ve got a night free. You’re alone. You can’t afford peanuts. No, really, peanuts are about two quid and that’s just not happening. Do you ever hear children moaning about boredom when finding themselves in similar situations? Do children get pissed off because they have no money for a pint of lager? No, they PLAY. Obviously watching films, reading books and getting down with your Xbox aren’t featured because that doesn’t require any kind of active playing. We’re talking hardcore adult recreation here. No, not that sort.

Theft.

Stealing is bad. However, loo roll provided at the workplace is for everyone’s use and nowhere does it stipulate the tissue should be enjoyed only in the confines of a cubicle with “hey gurl don’t let LDN grind your bitch-ass down mofo” written on the doorknob. Or clasp. Or whatever you’re supposed to call that thing you open loo cubicles with. Fastening?

Made For Walking: Why Walking Isn’t So Bad

The tube is too expensive. Buses are the same price except with more oddballs. A taxi is the last seizure-inducingly extortionate vestige of the very wealthy or the very intoxicated. Walking is the unsung alternative.

What Not To Buy in Charity Shops. Yes, a Fashion Post. Sorry.

Don’t worry, there’ll be no fab finds or hot looks permeated by pictures of me dressed as Alexa Chung (but fatter) with captions such as “Can you believe these sexy boots were only a fiver? Lush!” and “Be bang on trend at the British Heart Foundation!!!11″ and “OMG right if I was a sock I would totally want to nestle inside these stilettos of splendour. Totes amaze!”

iPhone. HTC. Blackberry. Er, Alcatel.

Yeah everyone might be talking about the iPhone5 but why is nobody tweeting about Alcatel? Oh, because they produce joke phones preventing them from being taken seriously as a viable company.

Alcatel saw a gap in the market for those unable to afford, or be trusted with, posh phones and dived headfirst like an excited child roaming a landscape where crevasses are commonplace. The Antarctic, for instance.

An Ode to Chains. As in, Chain Stores.

A friend of mine avoids shopping at Tesco. After months of presuming he was afflicted with a very specific form of OCD, it turns out the aversion stems from nothing more than “not liking to give money to some big corporation when I can fund a little business.” 
How admirable. But does the deli around the corner sell two toothbrushes for 15p? No.

How To Deal With Bad Landlords and Letting Agencies

Most landlords in London are intent only on the destruction of others. In the words of Beyonce: “If I were a landlord/ I think I could understand/ How it feels to love one’s tenants/ I swear I’d be a better landlord.”

This song is often misinterpreted as a lament about men being rubbish in relationships when it is, in fact, predominantly about housing agreements.