How To Play

You’ve got a night free. You’re alone. You can’t afford peanuts. No, really, peanuts are about two quid and that’s just not happening. Do you ever hear children moaning about boredom when finding themselves in similar situations? Do children get pissed off because they have no money for a pint of lager? No, they PLAY. Obviously watching films, reading books and getting down with your Xbox aren’t featured because that doesn’t require any kind of active playing. We’re talking hardcore adult recreation here. No, not that sort.

Made For Walking: Why Walking Isn’t So Bad

The tube is too expensive. Buses are the same price except with more oddballs. A taxi is the last seizure-inducingly extortionate vestige of the very wealthy or the very intoxicated. Walking is the unsung alternative.

iPhone. HTC. Blackberry. Er, Alcatel.

Yeah everyone might be talking about the iPhone5 but why is nobody tweeting about Alcatel? Oh, because they produce joke phones preventing them from being taken seriously as a viable company.

Alcatel saw a gap in the market for those unable to afford, or be trusted with, posh phones and dived headfirst like an excited child roaming a landscape where crevasses are commonplace. The Antarctic, for instance.

How To Deal With Bad Landlords and Letting Agencies

Most landlords in London are intent only on the destruction of others. In the words of Beyonce: “If I were a landlord/ I think I could understand/ How it feels to love one’s tenants/ I swear I’d be a better landlord.”

This song is often misinterpreted as a lament about men being rubbish in relationships when it is, in fact, predominantly about housing agreements.

Interning For Free and Why Everyone Should Just Chill Out For A Bit.

This is to be read accompanied by faint Mark Ronson backbeats alongside the odd trumpet. Oh, and filmed using a hand-held camera interspersed with black and white photo stills.

It’s philosophical as opposed to practical. Why? Because the art of living in London when you can’t afford to pay rent is as much psychological as it is physical. [music kicks in]

How To Waitress

London has a lot of cafes. In fact, when one Googles “How Many Cafes Are There In London?” nobody has ever counted them, so there’s probably more than 100.

Yes, it’s a prevalent part time profession (alliteration) but there are some preventable pitfalls (more alliteration, at the expense of the sentence) for prospective professionals looking to potentially permeate this sector, if not perennially. Properly, parochially, and, you know, Paul Daniels.  Anyway, wordsmithery aside, here are some tips:

Downtime

Due to my MA coming to a head, and being told to stop pissing about and cultivate a “more niche, serious blog” for an online module, Cosmoretto is taking some downtime right now.

I have to concentrate on a more serious and journalistic venture until the end of next month. It might still interest you though, so have a look. Comment, subscribe and check back (i get marked on all of these things…)

Thanks for reading Cosmoretto. BACK SOON.

 

Stevie x

 

Victim of Petty Crime 101

As a wise man/bus driver once said: “stop crying and get on. Everyone has their purse stolen” and it’s true. If you live in London and leave the house, the chances are your purse/wallet will go missing.

For unisex purposes the purse/wallet becomes the Pallet (Wurse being too reminiscent of “worse”, “bratwurst” and “The Wurzels”)

Cheap theatre and cinema tickets

If you prefer to forgo rent for the sake of the Arts, look no further. Unless you don’t live in London. In which case, definitely look further. See if you can spot my attempts to liven up what could ostensibly be quite a dry, if useful, list of the best websites offering cut price theatre and cinema tickets. Make your Friday more interesting than illegally downloading poor quality films/watching youtube clips from the bloke who smuggled his camcorder into Legally Blonde. 

Free Resolutions. Freesolutions.

Start dance classes. Eat organically. Give money to charity. Who are you, Gwyneth Paltrow? Gandhi? A colombian narcotics baron with more disposable income you can shake your drugs at? Here are some resolutions that are simple and require absolutely no expenditure.

1. Self improvement. Nobody can quantify this so when it goes tits up you can look wise and say something like “the dog’s apple never baits the eye of two in the bush.” Set aside fifteen minutes a day of “you” time to swim in the You Lagoon. Compliment yourself on something you know isn’t actually true. Appreciate leaves. That sort of thing.